Everything You Never Wanted to Know About My Pubic Hair

If you have read my blog called “Why the Future Belongs to Me”, then you know that I hope to one day evolve beyond my present human form. Perhaps I’ll integrate with technology and become superhuman. I’ve read a lot about what our future world will be like, and it seems inevitable that we humans will evolve beyond our present forms. I don’t know for certain if I’ll still be alive when humans become more than just homo sapiens. However, I have a feeling that future beings will be curious about what homo sapiens were like. For instance, maybe they’ll be curious about what it was like to fart, vomit, and ejaculate. They may also be curious about our bodies. Just in case they become curious about what it was like to have pubic hair, I will proceed to tell you some stories about my short and curlies. However, even if beings from the future don’t ever become curious about pubic hair, I’m quite certain that I’m going to become famous one day. I’m sure biographers of the future will be grateful for this blog, just as biographers of our present day would be thrilled to stumble across some text of Elvis commenting on his own pubic hair.

Before I tell you my first pubic hair story, I will tell you about my most memorable penis experience before I even had pubic hair.

I don’t know exactly how old I was when I had my penis operated on, but today I said to my mom, “Hey mom, how old was I when I had my penis operated on?” and she said I was about two and a half. I was surprised to hear her say I was that young, because the memories are vivid. However, if you want to give a boy a memorable experience, I’m guessing the best thing you can do is operate on his penis.

My mother said she had been finding urine all over the toilet when I was two and a half. So one day, she secretly watched me while I urinated. OK, I am now going to call her and clarify the nature of my urination sessions.

Feel free to have a drink or urinate until I continue writing.

OK, I just got off the phone with my mom. She said, “I was concerned because the pee came out in spurts. It wasn’t just a stream like normal.”

OK, I don’t know exactly what it means to “pee in spurts”. Maybe I was just a lazy pisser. Maybe I was practicing penis control, by stopping my piss mid-stream in hopes of being able to avoid premature ejaculation later in life. Regardless, after seeing me pee, my mother took me to a doctor and I was scheduled for surgery.

I remember being in the surgery room and having a mask put over my face. Then I remember waking up back in my hospital room and my father visiting me. I got up to go to the bathroom and . . . Wow! It hurt! To this day, I don’t know what the doctor did to my penis. All I know is that he did something to my urethra so that the urine would flow “normally”, and afterwards if felt like my penis was on fire. I just hope my mother was happy with the new flow of my urine. Maybe all mothers want their sons to produce lovely arches of urine, like those fountains with the little boys pissing.

Actually, that doesn’t sound nice. I’m sure my mom was just concerned about my health. I’m sure she would have loved me no matter how my urine exited my body, even if it came out my nose.

OK, I’m getting off track. Oh yeah, the pain. I wanted to tell you about the pain. After my operation, it hurt so much to go pee, that I wanted to just fall asleep and wet the hospital bed. However, there are times when one has to pee so badly, one can’t even fall asleep. So when I had to pee, I just bit my tongue and fuckin’ let ‘er rip. I squealed like my penis was full of broken glass!

OK, that’s enough for my prepubescent penis story. Now I’ll share three stories about pubic hair.

First, I’ll tell you about a pubic hair story that involved a bit of pain. One time, I tried to use a rubber band as a cock ring. I doubled up the rubber band and masturbated. After I ejaculated, I tried to remove the rubber band, but it had got tangled up in my pubic hair. I frantically tried to untangle the rubber band, as I feared I was on the verge of causing damage to Mr. Friendly. Finally, I just tore the rubber band away from the base of my penis along with a considerable amount of pubic hair. Fortunately, my penis quickly stopped being purple. I sighed with relief.

Now, I’ll tell you about a time when I wanted to use my pubic hair to make art. It was 2001, and I had made many different art projects with found objects like pop cans, bottle caps, dryer lint, etc. Then one day, I decided it would be fun to make a sculpture of a creature that looked like a “missing link” between human and non-human animals. I thought it would be fun to cover the creature in something that looked like fur. Then I realized that I could harvest the fur from my own body! That way, my DNA would be in my art, in case anyone wanted to clone me one day!

I shaved all the hair off my body and stuffed it into a cracker box. Then I waited for all the hair to grow back, and I shaved my whole body again. I didn’t keep track of how long it took for all my body hair to grow back, but I think I shaved myself about every three months. I decided I would keep shaving my body until I had five years worth of hair. I shaved myself a total of three times before my cracker box was about a third full.

Then in November of 2001, when I was thirty-one and had a cracker box one-third full of my body hair, I got a public speaking engagement at an elementary school. It was the school I had attended from Grades 4 to Grade 8. My family helped me move several of my large art pieces to the school, like my stick man, pop can map of Canada, nail and string picture, periodic table, mermaid, etc. It was a proud moment of my life, to be at my alma mater and have all the students marvel at my creations.

At the time, I had a fog machine hooked up to the stick man, so it looked like he was shooting smoke from his mouth. I had been calling the sculpture “Stickzilla”. Unfortunately, the fog machine set off the fire alarms and the school had to be evacuated. I was very embarrassed. However, when I got interviewed later that day by a reporter from the Niagara Falls Review, John Law, I knew he’d have an interesting story to write because of the fire alarm.

Sure enough, when I read the story the next day, on November 24th, the intro was all about Stickzilla. The first line read as follows: “As fire trucks raced towards Valley Way public school and the hallways filled with smoke, it was obvious . . . Stickzilla had struck again.”

The story was on the front page of the paper and several friends called to congratulate me. However, the last few paragraphs of the story had concerned them. You see, I had proudly told the reporter all about my body hair project. Law wrote in the story, “He’s curious how his next piece will go over – a model of a ‘missing link’ creature made of his own body hair. Every few months, he shaves his chest and legs – minus shaving cream. Most artists suffer. Some just suffer razor burn.”

Thankfully, Law had only mentioned that I’d been shaving my legs and chest. However, I realized that talking about shaving my body probably wasn’t the best thing for me to have done. I can imagine a memo going around to all of the elementary schools in the region: “Do not invite this man to speak to your students! We do not want children touching his testicle hair, even if it is attached to a sculpture.”

I also began dating a woman shortly after this speaking engagement. She seemed quite unimpressed with my cracker box full of body hair, and so I threw the hair away. She also thought I looked more manly when I had some body hair.

It’s been over eight years since I gave up harvesting my body hair. By now, I could have collected enough hair to make a whole family of missing links. However, I think the only missing link had been in my head. The link between “cracker box full of body hair” and “bad idea” had been sorely missing. I’m glad that link is no longer missing. I’m sure there are many other links that are missing in my head, but that’s a whole other story!

My last story about my pubic hair, involves something I did on June 28th, 2010. I was trimming my hair and goatee with an electric hair trimmer. Then I decided I’d trim my chest hair too, and finally my pubic hair. After all, trimming your pubic hair can make your penis look a little bigger.

I’ve trimmed my pubic hair several times in my life, but on this day, something miraculous happened. I was trimming the hair on the underside of my penis near the base, and the trimmer bit me! The skin was loose and wrinkly in this area, and it got sucked up inside the trimmer. It was only a small cut, but there was a piece of skin hanging by a thread. Now this may disturb you, but I immediately realized that I wanted to eat this shred of skin. Let me tell you why.

As I stood there looking at the piece of skin hanging from my penis, I recalled a story I had read about a man who had cut off his own penis. He and another man had then cooked the penis and ate it together. I thought about this and realized I wasn’t turned on, however I remembered having dreams about sucking myself off. I realized that I suddenly had a once in a lifetime opportunity of living my dream--or at least a scaled down version of my dream.

I wouldn’t be able to stick my whole penis into my mouth, but at least I’d be able to put a tiny piece of my penis into my mouth. So, I did. I ripped off the shred of skin, put it into my mouth, and swallowed. I felt a bit naughty, but I didn’t feel like a cannibal or anything.

The penis didn’t bleed too much, but it bled enough for me to want to grab my camera. I’d never had a bloody penis before, and I simply had to capture this digitally. (Perhaps my penis had been bloody during the surgery on my urethra, but I’d been unconscious at the time, so I can’t say for sure.)

After taking a few pictures, I made a mental note to write a blog about this experience. Then I stuffed all of the shaved hair into an envelope, thinking a fan of mine may want to buy the hair one day when I’m famous. (I threw away the hair a few days later, after I remembered that I no longer collect my own hair.)

A few days passed, and I got busy with various projects and didn’t have time to write a blog about my penis eating incident. However, I felt like sharing my story, and so I just wrote about my experience in a Facebook status update. I’ll share the status update, and then I’ll tell you about what some people thought of this.

Facebook Status Update for July 1st, 2010: “I've had dreams of giving myself fellatio, but I'm not flexible enough in real life. However, a few days ago, something incredible happened. I was trimming my pubic hair and I accidentally cut my penis. There was a little piece of skin hanging, so I ripped it off. I realized I'd probably never again have the opportunity of touching part of my penis to my mouth, so I put the penis fragment into my mouth and swallowed.”

Here are some of the comments that I received:

“Only an artist would get away with declaring that. You are deep. Lol”
“I think I just threw up in my mouth a little....”
“Your life memoirs are going to be an expose of a free thinking genius...and I'm happy to watch that happen”
“John, you are the most interesting person I know.”

As you can see, some people appreciate reading updates like that, and some people don’t. Sometimes I make myself feel uncomfortable by writing about intimate things, but I try not to let fear keep me from expressing myself. I feel that I have a unique mind, and I feel obligated to share my thoughts and feelings with others. I want to help the world evolve into a place where people are less afraid of being open and honest. I think the world is entirely too judgmental, and that scares people. People don’t want to be judged as being “losers”, and as a result they become worried about their images. They want to appear successful, and so they spend money on fancy material objects, when that money should instead be spent on reducing the amount of suffering in the world.

Speaking of suffering, the biggest cause of suffering in the world today, is factory farming. That’s why I’m a vegan. I’m against suffering, and so I don’t consume meat, eggs, or dairy products. Unfortunately, some people are afraid of being judged as being different, and so they’ll eat animal products because their friends and family members are eating animal products.

After reading my status update about my penis, all of the members of my family were completely disgusted. They all had very strong words about what I had eaten. One family member in particular called me a cannibal.

I’ll admit that eating part of my penis was an unusual thing to do. Was it cannibalism? I guess it was. However, I’m not the only person guilty of cannibalism. I think anyone who consumes meat, eggs or dairy products is guilty of cannibalism. After all, we are all Earthlings. Just as human beings are Earthlings, so too are cows, pigs, chickens, turkeys, fish, and all other sentient beings. Flesh is flesh. We may have differences, but we animals are far more similar than we are different. We all experience pain and suffering. We all have preferences. We all like to be able to move freely, and to be able to drink when we’re thirsty, and eat when we’re hungry, and be with others when we’re lonely.

I hope all humans become vegans soon. Unfortunately, many humans presently eat things that are infinitely more disgusting than what I ate. I just ate a small fragment of skin, taken from my own body. Many people presently eat very large pieces of flesh, taken from beings who were murdered. After I ate the bit of skin from my penis, I simply carried on with my day. Can a chicken carry on with her day after you eat her wings? Can a pig carry on with his day after you eat his ribs? No, they can’t. Those animals can never do anything ever again, because they are dead.

Even though I didn’t really hurt anyone when I ate the skin from my penis, I’m glad some people think I committed an act of cannibalism. I'm glad my family members got mad at me for eating flesh. It felt great for me to hear my omnivorous family members speaking out against the consumption of flesh. I hope these people learn to view other flesh eating as cannibalism, too. Flesh is flesh. We are all Earthlings. We are all the same.

I hope you enjoyed reading these stories about my penis and my pubic hair. If you’re against cannibalism, I hope you’re really against cannibalism. I hope you are a vegan. If you aren’t a vegan, the next time you see a steak, flex your biceps. Realize that the muscle on your plate is the same as the muscle on your arm.

Well, I think I’ve written enough about my crotch for today. Besides, it’s time for me to send a golden arch of urine cascading into the toilet, through my perfectly formed urethra.