Put On A Play

Are you tired of seeing your loved ones brainwashed by meat commercials? Do you have trouble getting people to turn off their TVs? Then I have a great idea for you: offer to entertain your friends and family members with a play!

It’s fun and easy to write a script that promotes veganism (or any other important issue). If you’re a vegan, I’m sure you’ve had many conversations with carnists. Write down some of the crazy things that carnists say, and turn those words into a play. If you think you’re too busy to write a play, just write a short play. Grab a scrap piece of paper, write down a few lines, and voila: you’ve got a play! If you can find someone else to be in your play, great. If not, put on a one-person play.

I’ve performed one-person plays for live audiences many times. You can change your voice to play the different characters and change your appearance with a hat, cheap wig, etc. I bought a couple of cheap wigs from a thrift store and I’ve used them in many YouTube videos.

One of the most popular characters I created is a man named Zeke. To play Zeke, I simply remove my fake front tooth, put on a wig, and speak with a bit of a southern twang. To date, Zeke is featured in fifteen of my YouTube videos. People are often surprised to discover that a redneck character like Zeke is a vegan, and that’s exactly why I made Zeke a redneck. If it’s possible for an uneducated hillbilly like Zeke to become a dedicated vegan and animal rights activist, then it’s possible for anyone to begin making more compassionate choices.

In case you have some trouble writing your own play, I will now share with you a script for a play you can perform right now. I turned the script below into a video, which you can see in the post right after this blog. You can also find the video if you type “Zeke and Arlene Talk About Veganism” into YouTube.

If you can find someone to act with you, great. However, you can easily perform both roles by yourself.

Props: Something to use as a feather boa (like a scarf), a sign that says “Two Weeks Later” (use scrap paper or cardboard), something to use as a blanket (for the second scene, which takes place in the bedroom).

ZEKE AND ARLENE TALK ABOUT VEGANISM

SCENE ONE
Arlene is sitting on the couch wearing a feather boa. Zeke walks in and looks confused.

Zeke: What the fuck? What’s that thing around yer neck?

Arlene: It’s a feather boa. I bought it at a yard sale for fifty cents. I wanted to look sexy for ya.

Zeke: Is them real feathers? Looks like chicken feathers. You look like a dead chicken.

Arlene: Fine. You don’t like it, I won’t wear it.

Zeke: Arlene, ya don’t need to dress up like a dead chicken to look sexy. Ya look sexy just the way ya is. OK?

Arlene: Thanks. Anyway, is you gonna lick my pussy, or what?

Zeke: Arlene, you know I wanna lick yer pussy. But we got to talk about the veganism first.

Arlene: What’s that?

Zeke: Veganism is when ya don’t hurt animals.

Arlene: I don’t hurt animals. I pet the cat all nice n’ shit. I’m nice to animals.

Zeke: Oh yeah? Whadja eat fer supper tonight?

Arlene: Coupla hot dogs.

Zeke: Well then, ya hurt animals today. Animals died for them hot dogs. Plus, you know what part of an animal is in hot dogs? Dicks. That’s right. There’s ten billion animals killed in America every year, fer food. And, there’s ten billion hot dogs sold in America every year. You think that’s a coincidence? Nuh uh.

Arlene: Dicks?

Zeke: Yup, dicks. Course, chicken dicks are small. Takes about five chicken dicks to make one hot dog. But cows are big. One cow dick can make five hot dogs. So, you do the math. It all works out. It works out mathematically.

Arlene: That’s gross.

Zeke: I know, Arlene. That’s why I’m gonna go git us some veggie dogs. Veggie dogs is dick free.

Arlene: Good. OK, I’m gonna be a . . . a what?

Zeke: Vegan. Vee (Holds up index and middle finger to form a V), vegan.

Arlene: A vegan. OK, I’m gonna be a vegan. Now you wanna lick my pussy?

Zeke: Arlene, I’m real sorry, but I can’t just yet.

Arlene: Why not?

Zeke: Let’s see. How can I say this without hurtin’ yer feelins. (Pause) Arlene, yer pussy juice is full of shit.

Arlene: What?! I wipe my ass just like my momma taught me: Away from ma pussy! Not twards ma pussy!

Zeke: Arlene, that’s not what I’m talkin’ ‘bout. Animals in factory farms, they’re all full of shit. They’re sleepin’ in the cages and they’re sittin’ in the cages all day, and that’s where they shit. And they’re sleepin’ in the shit and they got shit all over them. They live in shit every second of every day. They can’t escape the shit. Can’t go take a shower. And then they go to the slaughterhouse and they got their throats slit, and they’re all covered in shit. And in between the factory farm and the slaughterhouse, they don’t go to the spa. They don’t go have a bubble bath and a pedicure. They’re all covered in shit. And then they get all cut up and it all gets ground up. And then the shit goes in the hot dogs and the shit goes in the hamburgers. And it’s all full of shit. And then people eat the meat and it’s all full of shit. And then the meat goes in them. And ya gotta remember, ya are whatcha eat. So, ya eat shit and then yer full of shit, and yer pussy juice, it’s full of shit too.

Arlene: (Very Upset) Aghhhhh! Aghhhhhhhh!

Zeke: Arlene, it’s OK. Everythins gonna be fine. Now that your gonna be a vegan, it’s gonna be all right. Ya eats lots of fruits and veggies, and beans and grains—all the good, healthy stuff. It’ll clean out yer body, and ya git all the shit outta yer body, and yer gonna feel good. Yer gonna look better n’ ever.

Arlene: OK. That’s good. (Pause) How long until my pussy juice’ll be clean?

Zeke: Don’t know exactly. But I’ll tell you what. You be a vegan fer two weeks, and I’ll lick yer pussy. Deal?

Arlene: Deal.

SCENE TWO
Hold up the sign to the audience that says, “TWO WEEKS LATER”. Arlene and Zeke are in bed together, under the covers.

Arlene: (Smiles) Oh, Zeke baby. Ah sure do loooove veganism!

Zeke: (Smiles Proudly)